Good morning! My name is Mitchell.
I am the Obersturmbandführer
of this household. It is my duty
to provide you with water, light,
nourishment, and appropriate pottage.
It is your duty to grow to a moderate
height and develop an appealing foliage.
You will not deposit dead leaves
or leak water onto the carpet.
You will avoid contact with mealy-worms
or other parasites. Above all, you will
be happy here, and conduct yourself
at all times so as to reflect credit
upon your species. Failure to comply
will result in your immediate dismissal
to the compost heap in the backyard.