Saturday, February 13, 2010

The Book of Proverbs

1. There is no reliance to be found in the heart of the black jack dealer, and Las Vegas is not the place to visit if you are facing foreclosure.

2. Behold the rich man whose options have expired, for he will be ruined following a margin call, and he will no longer be able to afford anti-depressants.

3. Therefore his Viagara prescription shall perish, and his member will shrink even as a breakfast sausage in the electric frying pan, and his testicles wither helplessly before him like a pair of crab-apples in November.

4. Teen-aged scum who live in Menlo Park will find their skateboards reduced to splinters and their audio media, devoid of musical taste, permanently erased and obliterated.

5. For their baggy-assed comportment is not only displeasing in the eyes of the Lord, but an unsustainable insult to everyone else in the neighborhood as well.

6. How quickly the ozone layer deteriorates, how swiftly the real income of households diminisheth.

7. For the Safeway is again out of organic artichoke hearts and Creole chipotle mustard.

8. I say to all those yet employed: stop whining about outsourcing and grab your fair share instead. Rejoice in the arias of Puccini; clean your garage annually; do not neglect the flossing of teeth.

9. If your iPod malfunctions, cast it from you. If you can find some grass somewhere, smoke it. When afflicted by doubt, gyrate circularly.

10. Embrace your yobbish, chronically depressed relatives. Play with godlike abandon upon the saxophone, and establish rapport with your local air quality management agency.

11. Cocoa flavinoids have been shown to extend longevity, and two Margaritas at dinnertime don't hurt either.

12. Behold the daughters of Orinda, and the virgins of Milpitas, how their naked midriffs and tattooed behinds shine in the noon-day sun.

13. Their faces are bright with make-up; they perspire not, even as they weave through traffic, clutching their cell-phones in meaningless discourse.

14. Behold their nerdy boy-friends, how they target terrorist nests on their computer screens while aggressively subitizing biomorphically-enhanced boobs.

15. Season your shattered dreams and destitute sexual phantasies with 30-minute pizza mix-and-bake without regret.

16. In seedtime the sluggard plows not: when August arrives, well du-uh, the harvest is pfutsch.

17. Be not emulous of foreign exchange brokers, for their debts will not be forgiven, and they shall be buried under a ton of poo.

18. Surely it is strategically unproductive to greet an assembly of women in the marketplace with the words, “Konnichi-wa, Bitches!”

19. Avoid Pottawattamie Creek, skin eruptions severally, and travel poetry universally. Abandon neutral color schemes mandated by bourgeois decorators.

20. Crush collectible figurines with your fingers. Breed prize-winning shrimp. Run barefoot through the San Francisco Public Library. Find a Goth shop in your neighborhood and get a makeover. Dare to fart!

21. Surely the virtuous man will resist conservative political agendas, and nourished with the wok-fried dumplings of transcendental wisdom, he will rock like a god the length of his days.

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